24.Dec.2009 Our Very Own Cocktail – “The Green Giant Jolly” - Shaan

Last week, I was at GNC buying some protein with one of my buds (we’ll call him Jarvis), just like a good American, when the most extraordinary thing happened. A bright red glint caught my eye. Forced to examine such an attack on my senses, I spun around to look, and this is what I saw:

I don’t know whether it was coincidence, or divine intervention, but thanks to the perfect angle of reflection from the sunlight, my life would be forever changed. I couldn’t believe something this ridiculous could exist. Extenze in a can. As I pitied those who don’t have a massive wang like mine, I posed myself a question:

“How can I get fucked up off of this?”

I scanned the can for clues. I noticed many South American herbs I’d never heard of before (most likely brought to me at the expense of the extinction of many Amazonian critters), and a shit-ton of caffeine, all designed to give me super chubbies. Jarvis and I walked towards the cashier. I was so wrapped up in brainstorming what to do with my new drink, that it never occurred to me we might look like a couple with small spam javelins if we bought Extenze and protein together. Luckily, I caught myself just in time, and confidently told the cashier the sole purpose of this purchase was to get super fucked up. The cashier smiled at me, obviously proud of my genius idea. Or, he was hitting on me. In either case, I don’t care, because I had business to take care of.

I pondered all day as to what I could mix with Extenze. I had no idea what it would taste like, but I guessed it must taste like most other energy drinks. Either that, or it would taste like boners. As I was scrolling through my phone contacts looking for girls to ask what boners taste like, it hit me:

“What if I could be blacked out, super amped, with a King Kong ding dong?”

I turned to my staple drink, Joose. The only flavor I could imagine even tasting tolerable with an energy drink was Jungle Joose.

I grabbed my largest drinking glass, and courageously poured this monster concoction. I excitedly took my first sip, and couldn’t believe what I tasted. It tasted exactly like Mountain Dew mixed with sour apple. I happily gulped down the rest of the drink, and played the waiting game. By “played the waiting game,” I mean I kept taking shots of rum and whiskey while waiting for the drink to take effect.

Now, you’re probably expecting some sweet ending to the night, involving a 14″ pants hammer and a foursome with some Swedish super models. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. For the rest of the night, I looked like this:

BUT, that doesn’t mean the drink wasn’t successful. By the time I got home that night, it started hitting me. It not only hit me like 6 hours later, but literally every day for about a week. I was seriously jerking it 3+ times a day, and broke a couple condoms from pounding out so hard. I totally did not expect this happen, but I’m glad it did, because I now know the proper way to intake this concoction.

THE GREEN GIANT JOLLY
1. Get a really big glass
2. Dump Red Extenze and Jungle Joose in glass
3. Drink at least 6-8 hours before you go out
4. Enjoy for 5-7 days

You may be wondering, why “The Green Giant Jolly?” Well, the drink is green, and it gives you a giant jolly. In the future, I plan to try mixing more than one can of Extenze at once to see if it increases the speed of reaction. There you have it, the official Gainesvillains cocktail. This is going to be a hit on St. Patrick’s Day.

What do you think of The Green Giant Jolly?
When is the most appropriate time to drink it?
Did I just invent the cure to “whiskey dick?”
Should I have called my doctor?
Should Cialis create its own drink in response
Is Extenze vs Cialis becoming the new Coke vs. Pepsi?
If that happened, would that make Viagra the “Tab Cola” of the ED drink industry?